MY CANCER JOURNEY
Everyone knows about the common side effects of chemo treatment. The ones that are portrayed in the movies: the hair loss, the throwing up and other “bathroom” issues. There is a full list of other side effects never talked about: the insane mouth sores, the neuropathy in hands and feet, the pain of the fingernails and toenails, the weird skin changes, the insane sensitivity to smells and tastes. The list could go on and on as everyone experiences different things.
But those pale in comparison to the two worst side effects: the isolation and the fact that this treatment is ever-present and all-encompassing.
For an extreme extrovert like me, isolation can be detrimental to my mental health. Before my diagnosis and treatment I was the “work from home” mom that was NEVER at home. It’s always been this way even way back when I was a young mom. My family often jokes about the fact that I cannot stand to be in my house for one full day. I learned just how bad complete isolation was back in 2020. The hubs and all three of my kids were “essential workers” and therefore leaving the house to go to their jobs each day. I, however, was stuck at home working on my computer and my phone. It really messed with my brain. I remember Paul coming home one day from work, looking at me and asking what was wrong. I don’t remember my exact words back to him. All I know is he told me to get some shoes on and get in the car-we were getting out of the house. That was a glorious day as we drove to the next town over, ordered some Chick-fil-A at the drive through and sat on the picnic benches outside the restaurant and I chatted with the other drive through customers. (Yep-I’m a weird-o).
This isolation is worse than that because the world is passing me by. I am forced to watch everyone living their lives without me. Just in the 4 months since my diagnosis, I have had to cancel 3 major trips but also watch my friends go through with the travel taken from me. I have watched the top leaders of Scentsy travel to the home office to have their cups filled from both corporate training and time spent together. Then I had a prize I earned stripped from me-an all inclusive trip to Hawaii. I worked my tail off last year in order to earn this trip only to be sitting in the chemo chair while my friends hula’ed away. Then this past week, I had to watch as 7,000 of my closest friends (okay, I don’t know them all, but you know what I am saying) spent the week in Orlando park hopping and learning all about the latest and greatest in the Scentsy world.
If you know me well, you know that travel is my love language and it is heart-breaking to miss out on all this, but that’s not even the worst of it.
The isolation of chemo treatment is just one small aspect of how this path is ever-present and all-encompassing. I can never NOT think about what I am going through. Even on my “good days”, it’s still there.
- When getting dressed in the morning, I have to think about whether or not I will be going to the clinic or not because if so, I need to wear a shirt where my port can be accessed. If I am not going to the clinic, I still consider what shirt I am going to wear because my port is so visible, I have to think about whether I am in a mood to deal with all the second-looks from others trying to figure out what’s wrong with me.
- On the same page, there is the issue of my head. Bald? Head wrap? Wig? While it seems small and petty, it’s a choice I have to make each day and is truly an issue of dealing with others gawking rather than my true comfort.
- When I feel good enough to go out to eat, our options have been insanely narrowed. I am a legit foodie and seriously LOVE trying new places and new dishes. But since I have made so many dietary changes to play into the holistic side of treatment, we are so limited in where we can eat. So we have our handful of “safe” places to eat and just stick with those. I know Paul is getting sick of eating the same things over and over.
- I am so thankful that I have been feeling well most of my weekends. Since my treatment is on Tuesdays, usually the nausea has passed by the time the weekend rolls around. But that doesn’t mean I can hit the town without thought. The exhaustion is still there. So just like many moms plan outings around their kids’ nap schedules, so do I. It is an absolute must to have at least an hour nap in the early afternoon.
- On a similar note, I know that I cannot plan any outings what-so-ever on Tuesday-Friday. All my social outings must be scheduled for Saturday, Sunday or Monday.
- No matter where I go or what I do, I am a spectacle. People look. They take a second look. Then comes the pity. The pity that I never asked for.
- Every plan, every choice, every minute…chemo plays into it.
I have said so many times, I don’t know how people get through this without three things: Faith, a small circle of close friends and family, and a community of support. I am so lucky to have all three of these things.
Because of my Faith in Christ, I know He is going to help me through all the crud listed above. Better yet, He is going to take this awful time and use it.
Here’s the thing friends–God is not the author of the negative things that happen in life. He doesn’t create disease, strife, or the awful things that happen to us. However, He CAN and WILL alter the outcome. God knows how to use the momentum of evil against itself.
This is why I can continue to smile through the storm.
This is why I can continue to remain positive even on my worst days.
This is why I can wipe my tears after a little pity party.
This is why I continue to share my journey-the good, the bad, and the ugly.
This is why I do the hard things-because I know that He will provide a way through it if I continue to cling to Him.
We are taking a break from treatment for a few weeks. We are taking the break for a few reasons:
- We are seeking a new Oncologist.
- We are looking for confirmation that we should continue the current path.
- I am meeting with an integrative naturopath provider to see what can be done naturally to aide in alleviating some of the awful side effects of chemo.
- It’s my birthday on Thursday and Paul’s the week after.
- I’m tired and simply need to recharge.
When you pray for me, please pray that doors will be opened for us that were previously closed. Pray that we are given favor in a very broken medical system. Pray that we will find answers and PEACE about next steps.
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